Air Purifier (or No Guilt in Life, No Fear in Death...)

In Jr. High I was always negative. I didn't go out of my way to be happy. Getting a taste of 6 different schools from 1999 to 2003 made me tired of change. I didn't want to make any new friends. The friends I did have told me I was negative and complained a lot. I didn't take them seriously until my mom expressed the same concern one day driving me home from school or something. Then I started to wonder...

Then I had an experience in July of 2003 that changed my life. It was Church Camp. Everyone gets saved at Church Camp, every year. It's just what you do. I did it. In fact I didn't just do it at Church Camp I did it at home too--that's how holy I was.

But it was only it was because I was scared.

Before July 2003 I couldn't go to sleep some nights because I was afraid. I'd hear a noise and wonder if it was someone trying to break in and kill us to death. I also had sinus problems so I couldn't breathe very well through my nostrils and breathing through my mouth made my my mouth dry. And I didn't want to breath through my mouth because I had heard in class that breathing through your mouth doesn't catch germs on your mucous trail like breathing through your nose did. So I was afaid that if I slept with my mouth open, I would die. And I was afraid if I fell asleep with my mouth closed and my nose suddenly got too stuffed up for me to breathe while I was sleeping I would die.

My dad had sinus problems too. My family decided to invest in an air purifier for our home in efforts to help clear our nasal passages. So we went out and bought one of these air purifiers:



Now keep in mind this was way back in the late part of the last millenium, so it was a very noisy air purifier. After a while, my parents decided it would be okay to keep it in my room. And that's when something miraculous happened.

I would turn it on every night and it would make this very loud "white noise" that drowned out all other sounds. A nuclear reactor or two could explode in our trash can outside, and I wouldn't even notice. Also, after a while, I could start breathing through my nostrils again.

It was wonderful. I started getting sleep. It seemed as though I had overcome my paranoid obsessive compulsivities* and entered into a life of peace. Problem solved right?

This did not keep me from fearing death.

Some nights I would wonder, "What if there really isn't such a thing as eternal life, and when I die my existence just stops? And then what? Nothing? Forever?" It was quite unnerving.

Each time that happened though, I looked out the window and saw the moon was still there. Then I would remember how the moon's placement keeps us from dying. And then how the solar system works. And then how the water cycle works and how plants work and how human bodies work. That's when I realize we had to come from somewhere.
Problem solved, right?

This did not keep me from fearing hell.

My day consisted of waking up, going to school, doing my homework, eating, getting in fights with my brother. Going to bed I would renew my insurance and ask God for forgiveness, just in case my interactions with my brother were selfish or impure enough to be classified as a sin that would send me to eternal damnation. I didn't want to experience eternal damnation.

It was like this every night for years - "God, I love you, forgive me, I'll never be mean to my brother again."

Until Communion made sense to me for the first time ever.

Before then salvation was appealing a $120 speeding ticket because I didn't want to pay the fine, not feeling guilty about it at all.

Then I realized salvation was about the power of grace. It is accepting grace that makes atonement possible.

It is grace that empowers a man to pick up his mat and walk. It is grace that gives a woman caught in adultery free from a stoning. It is grace that, when Jesus tells her to go and sin no more, gives her the power and the ability to live life without sin.

And it is grace that gives me the power to live life without sin.

And that same grace lets me live life without fear.

Grace is an even greater air purifier that lets me go to sleep at night.

So then what about the old negative boy that I was? What happened to me? I began a process where I became an optimist. I began to believe living without fear was possible, and good things were going to happen. Idealism crept into into my mind. And stayed a while.

But then I was told I needed a better balance of realism and idealism. All my positive thoughts were too ambitious. God doesn't go according to our plans, he will surprise us with negative things. And nothing ever works perfectly, you must count on this.

So I made an effort to find the balance, and at times the realism outweighed the idealism. But I think I am rediscovering some things I can be optimisitic about.

Maybe it is idealistic to believe in a life free from sin. Does that mean it is impossible? Does that mean I shouldn't believe God's grace can make it happen like he says it can?

And maybe dreams don't always come true. But I know one thing: My dreams will never have the chance to come true if I don't dream in the first place.


-bennett


*I spooned this word myself, I think.

Fog

Yesterday morning the campus air was saturated with beautiful white fog. I love it when 7:00am looks like that. You feel as if you are in a movie about something important. But it's so much more real when you are walking through it. You can't capture it quite the same with a camera.

I tried to take a picture of the fog. With the flash on, the light reflected back into the camera, and it didn't look quite right. You couldn't see anything in the picture.

Then I turned the flash off and it came out much clearer. But with the flash off I have to hold the camera very still.

I'm not very good at it sometimes.





-bennett

Super Glue

Super glue sometimes works when you need it to. Often it does not. But it always works on what you don't want it to.

Ah, the consequences of living in a fallen world...


-bennett

so, why swim?

I'm tired of swimming.

I've never been good at it. I don't do it very often. Sure, I love the feeling of being in water, but when I try to move fast in it, it doesn't work out so well. I swim like an overweight basset hound. And it makes me tired. I guess I'm not in good shape in that area. I'm incapable of moving in the water.

So why do I keep trying?

In my life I keep trying to swim, and I don't get anywhere. And then I get to the point that I get so tired of swimming I just feel like giving up. And that's when I risk drowning. And the only reason I was swimming instead of walking in the first place was because of the fear of drowning itself.

I don't want to swim anymore.

I want to walk on the water.

I want to live with no doubts. If faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains, then what can faith the size of a mountain do?

I've said it so many times before - - I really have no clue where I am going. But I know who is leading me. I know the reason I am able to walk on the water.

But I can't walk on the water and swim in it at the same time.

The Future? What I want the future to be?

It's like there is a present underneath the Christmas Tree.

I can't open the present until Christmas. I don't even know if it is my present to open, it's not labeled or anything.

Except this time, I'm not really sure when Christmas is.

Always winter, but never Christmas?

I dunno. I just want winter to end and spring to come.

And it will.

I decided to stop trying to rush spring. I'm letting God bring spring to me.

penn the atheist

new blog

Hey there everybody, just want to let you know about my new blog, called Brown Shoes. MVNU admissions and marketing decided they wanted me to blog especially for them, so perspective students can look and see what it's like to be a real-life college student. You can click on this shoe to get to it:
Or you can just go to bennettmvnu.wordpress.com yourself.

NOW ---> this will be different than this blog. Therefore I will do my best to keep this blog going, even though during the school year I only get to post about once a month.

Brown Shoes will be more about actual specific events going on in my life at college, while this blog will continue to be random lessons of life as always. Brown Shoes will be updated at least once a week, and will usually contain pictures of REAL LIFE things!

I will probably post on this blog more frequently during the summer, as I have a lot more time to do so then.

I never used to like blogging that much, but that was because I had a narrow view of what it could be. I thought it was just writing about my day, and I thought that would be boring to everyone. But now I have figured out my own way of doing it, and it is a lot of fun.

Anyway, enjoy :)

How to Draw

I think I'll write a book. It will teach people how to draw everything. I've already completed two pages. Here's a preview:

PAGE ONE:

I showed the first page to an experienced art professor on campus. She said, "Well, I think it's missing something."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Um, you could start by adding some shading," she responded.

"GOOD IDEA!" I said zealously.

So for page two, I made sure it had shading...

PAGE TWO:


I can't wait to get it done. It would be an honor to get published. It's the American Dream. It seems like everyone at least at one point in their life thinks to themselves, "Boy, I oughta write a book." And then some of them actually take initiative, and think, "Boy, I oughta write a book about something like BEING A CHRISTIAN, because there are only eight million books written about BEING A CHRISTIAN and I think I should write another one. And then people can become even more confused. That sounds like a good idea." I know I've been wanting to write a book about Christianity, so don't let my sarcastic tone mislead you. I just can't write it because I don't have the attention span or the knowledge to. I'll stick to drawing books. We could always use more of those.

I have no idea why I just made this post.

greatly mediocre/why you shouldn't

This blog has two wonderful parts that have nothing to do with each other. . . I still put them both within the same post though, out of fear that if I posted two separate posts you would only read the more recent one. RIGHT??

Well, nevermind. I end up tying the two parts together somehow. . . TA DA!

PART ONE: Greatly Mediocre
Once again Daniel Coutz has inspired a blog post. I dedicate this entry in honor of his geniusness

Tonight my good friend Daniel used the term "greatly mediocre" to describe his dining experience at Golden Corral. While this term may seem silly at first glance, I believe it really just means "if you looked up the word 'mediocre' in the dictionary, you would see a picture of this next to it." It is something that captures the true, organic essence of what mediocricity* is at its core. Examples:

"Watching this Arena Football Game is a greatly mediocre experience."

"This school newspaper is greatly mediocre."

"This episode of 'Step by Step' is greatly mediocre."

"Mehmet Okur is a greatly mediocre basketball player."**

"This blog post is greatly mediocre."

I think you catch my drift. But all this thinking about things being "greatly mediocre" caused me to think about how I sometimes describe things as "wonderfully terrible." Things that are wonderfully terrible, by my definition, are things that are poor in quality, but at the same time you find yourself loving it, or at least enjoying it because you enjoy making fun of it. Do you know what I mean? Kind of like a lovable loser. For example. . .

"William Hung's singing is wonderfully terrible!"

"This chocolate cheese is wonderfully terrible!"

"This yo-yo I bought at the Dollar Tree is wonderfully terrible!"

"Big Joe's Polka Show on the Rural Free Delivery TV sure is wonderfully terrible!"

"This blog post is wonderfully terrible."

See, the phenomenon that commonly occurs is that many of the "greatly mediocre" things are often more frustrating than the things that could be "wonderfully terrible." Like RoseArt products for example. I can't stand RoseArt stuff. They take advantage of poor Sunday School teachers who think they are getting a good deal by spending a little less by buying low-quality RoseArt crayons instead of Crayola crayons. How much difference could there be? GAH! It's like trying to use Saran-Wrap instead of toilet paper. It's just not the same.

Hmm, maybe some things aren't even worthy of being called "mediocre."

----Okay pretend I am using a clever transition phrase/illustration/diversion tool here-----

PART TWO: why you shouldn't

Our kindergarten teachers always told us it was bad for to swallow gum because it would clog up our intestines or something like that. Well I did some good quality research on the world wide web and found the REAL reason you should not swallow gum. The teachers were just too shy/proper to explain to us that this is really what happens when people swallow bubble gum:


IN CONCLUSION:

I'd rather purchase a low-quality product that I am expecting to be low-quality than purchase a mediocre-quality product I am expecting to be high-quality.

I guess I would feel the same way about myself. I'd rather be a low-quality person that people can tell is a low-quality person than a poser who everyone thinks is great but finds out isn't all he's cracked up to be.

See, if I make myself out to be some great, wonderful, amazing person with all the qualities you expect to find in a great, wonderful, amazing person but on the inside I am anything but those things, it may work out perfectly for me temporarily. But after a while these things I have hidden will become problematic and expose themselves. And that is even more embarrassing and shame-inducing. Just like the poor little boy who swallowed his gum so his teacher wouldn't see, and then ended up with a giant bubble coming out of his backside.

:)

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* - "mediocricity" isn't really a word, but I like using it instead of "mediocrity." "Mediocrity" sounds too crunchy.
** - I just used Mehmet Okur as an example because his name sounds a lot like the word "mediocre."

Good

I think I may be on to something.

I think it's a good sign.

I've been at points in my life where things are going so good, they seem too good to be true.

And sometimes they are indeed too good to be true, and that's disappointing.

Other times they seem too good to be true, but then I realize they really aren't all that great.

But then sometimes things are just good.

And it is now when I feel the most at ease. The most satisfied.

Because right now things aren't too good to be true.

They are just good.

That's what I would consider a real kind of good.

And that's really good.