so, why swim?

I'm tired of swimming.

I've never been good at it. I don't do it very often. Sure, I love the feeling of being in water, but when I try to move fast in it, it doesn't work out so well. I swim like an overweight basset hound. And it makes me tired. I guess I'm not in good shape in that area. I'm incapable of moving in the water.

So why do I keep trying?

In my life I keep trying to swim, and I don't get anywhere. And then I get to the point that I get so tired of swimming I just feel like giving up. And that's when I risk drowning. And the only reason I was swimming instead of walking in the first place was because of the fear of drowning itself.

I don't want to swim anymore.

I want to walk on the water.

I want to live with no doubts. If faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains, then what can faith the size of a mountain do?

I've said it so many times before - - I really have no clue where I am going. But I know who is leading me. I know the reason I am able to walk on the water.

But I can't walk on the water and swim in it at the same time.

The Future? What I want the future to be?

It's like there is a present underneath the Christmas Tree.

I can't open the present until Christmas. I don't even know if it is my present to open, it's not labeled or anything.

Except this time, I'm not really sure when Christmas is.

Always winter, but never Christmas?

I dunno. I just want winter to end and spring to come.

And it will.

I decided to stop trying to rush spring. I'm letting God bring spring to me.

Unibrowsing

I've told this story to a few of my friends. But I will tell it again, and make some witty connection to a deeper meaning or something.

Last year I roomed with a great person named Daniel Coutz. We would share all of our deepest thoughts with each others.

We shared our likes and dislikes, our dreams and disappointments. And we shared our fears.

Daniel doesn't like mullets.

I don't like unibrows.

Daniel has been afraid that he will wake up with a mullet someday, somehow letting it happen without even realizing it.

I have been afraid of waking up with a unibrow with the same thing happening.

Last Sunday night at this time I was in the PSU trying to sleep because of the power outage. I didn't get to sleep. But at 6:00 am they let us go back to our real beds. I slept for a while. But I dreamed as well.

I dreamed a terrible dream.

In my dream, it was dark in the apartment--because of the power outage--and I walked into the bathroom. I looked in the dark mirror and saw something hideous on my face. It was a unibrow! But it wasn't just any unibrow. It was a unibrow that went from the top of my forehead to the tip of my nose.

It was gross.

So in my dream, I was so disgusted, so I reached for my shaver...

...my electric shaver...

...that needed charged.

Then that was the end of the dream.

---------------------

But really, it is interesting to me that my weird, unreasonable fear would cause me to have a dream such as this, at the one time when I can't make it all better by shaving it off.

Why do dreams take advantage of our fears? I have always been afraid of heights, so I always have dreams were I am falling to my most probable death.

See as long as I am in control of my height, I can make it. I can clutch a guardrail or just not go on the roof in the first place.

But once I am falling, I've lost control. There's nothing I can do about it.

Once the electric has gone out and I can't shave my unibrow, I've lost control. There's nothing I can do about it.

I guess the big question is:

Could the biggest fear I have had, be the fear of losing control?

"You have a rainbow in your mouth, open it for the world!"

I become more satisfied.

Then I turn around and become even less satisfied.

And then I find things to be satisfied about.

Yet, I am still unsatisfied.

I have discovered the paradox of being completely satisfied yet unsatisfied at the same time.

And I know what to do. I keep going. I keep walking on the water. When the winds and waves throw themselves at me I keep going.

Even though I can't see what is coming.

And I really want to know what is coming.

But I have something in myself and I need to figure out how to make the best of it. Tonight on "King of the Hill," Bill was trying to convince Kahn to return to his karaoke singing, and he said "You have a rainbow in your mouth, open it for the world."

What is the best way I can do this? And why do I keep asking myself questions I know the answers to?

I guess sometimes I get the illusion that if I didn't know the answers, then I wouldn't be so bothered...