Then I had an experience in July of 2003 that changed my life. It was Church Camp. Everyone gets saved at Church Camp, every year. It's just what you do. I did it. In fact I didn't just do it at Church Camp I did it at home too--that's how holy I was.
But it was only it was because I was scared.
Before July 2003 I couldn't go to sleep some nights because I was afraid. I'd hear a noise and wonder if it was someone trying to break in and kill us to death. I also had sinus problems so I couldn't breathe very well through my nostrils and breathing through my mouth made my my mouth dry. And I didn't want to breath through my mouth because I had heard in class that breathing through your mouth doesn't catch germs on your mucous trail like breathing through your nose did. So I was afaid that if I slept with my mouth open, I would die. And I was afraid if I fell asleep with my mouth closed and my nose suddenly got too stuffed up for me to breathe while I was sleeping I would die.
My dad had sinus problems too. My family decided to invest in an air purifier for our home in efforts to help clear our nasal passages. So we went out and bought one of these air purifiers:
Now keep in mind this was way back in the late part of the last millenium, so it was a very noisy air purifier. After a while, my parents decided it would be okay to keep it in my room. And that's when something miraculous happened.
I would turn it on every night and it would make this very loud "white noise" that drowned out all other sounds. A nuclear reactor or two could explode in our trash can outside, and I wouldn't even notice. Also, after a while, I could start breathing through my nostrils again.
It was wonderful. I started getting sleep. It seemed as though I had overcome my paranoid obsessive compulsivities* and entered into a life of peace. Problem solved right?
This did not keep me from fearing death.
Some nights I would wonder, "What if there really isn't such a thing as eternal life, and when I die my existence just stops? And then what? Nothing? Forever?" It was quite unnerving.
Each time that happened though, I looked out the window and saw the moon was still there. Then I would remember how the moon's placement keeps us from dying. And then how the solar system works. And then how the water cycle works and how plants work and how human bodies work. That's when I realize we had to come from somewhere.
Problem solved, right?
This did not keep me from fearing hell.
My day consisted of waking up, going to school, doing my homework, eating, getting in fights with my brother. Going to bed I would renew my insurance and ask God for forgiveness, just in case my interactions with my brother were selfish or impure enough to be classified as a sin that would send me to eternal damnation. I didn't want to experience eternal damnation.
It was like this every night for years - "God, I love you, forgive me, I'll never be mean to my brother again."
Until Communion made sense to me for the first time ever.
Before then salvation was appealing a $120 speeding ticket because I didn't want to pay the fine, not feeling guilty about it at all.
Then I realized salvation was about the power of grace. It is accepting grace that makes atonement possible.
It is grace that empowers a man to pick up his mat and walk. It is grace that gives a woman caught in adultery free from a stoning. It is grace that, when Jesus tells her to go and sin no more, gives her the power and the ability to live life without sin.
And it is grace that gives me the power to live life without sin.
And that same grace lets me live life without fear.
Grace is an even greater air purifier that lets me go to sleep at night.
So then what about the old negative boy that I was? What happened to me? I began a process where I became an optimist. I began to believe living without fear was possible, and good things were going to happen. Idealism crept into into my mind. And stayed a while.
But then I was told I needed a better balance of realism and idealism. All my positive thoughts were too ambitious. God doesn't go according to our plans, he will surprise us with negative things. And nothing ever works perfectly, you must count on this.
So I made an effort to find the balance, and at times the realism outweighed the idealism. But I think I am rediscovering some things I can be optimisitic about.
Maybe it is idealistic to believe in a life free from sin. Does that mean it is impossible? Does that mean I shouldn't believe God's grace can make it happen like he says it can?
And maybe dreams don't always come true. But I know one thing: My dreams will never have the chance to come true if I don't dream in the first place.
-bennett
*I spooned this word myself, I think.
